VC Commenters On Apples and Oranges:
A play in one act, inspired by recent comment threads here at the VC:
Scene: A Volokh Conspiracy comment thread. Enter two commenters, Red and Blue.

RED: I sure like apples.
BLUE: Apples? They're rotten. Oranges are better.
RED: Are you insane? Oranges are disasters.
BLUE: At least oranges aren't corrupt fruits that hate America.
RED: Yes they are, in fact Hitler liked oranges!
BLUE: WTF? Hitler was an apple.
                                    The End.
I want DNA proof of which is the apple and which is the orange.
9.4.2008 2:11am
Prosecutorial Indiscretion:
So true (says an implicated commenter). Time for an esoteric post about the common law of contracts in George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire to set things aright.
9.4.2008 2:11am
one of many:
Well played.
9.4.2008 2:11am
Wait a darned minute!

I though only Roehm was a fruit . . .
9.4.2008 2:13am
Yes, I think some official ridicule of some of the knuckleheads posting here is in order. Banning anyone with screen names that include "dog," "ace," or are pluralized with a "z" wouldn't hurt either…
9.4.2008 2:21am
Grand Old Party Surrogate:
I've always been deeply suspicious of pluots. They're clearly nazi-commies.
9.4.2008 2:21am
js5 (mail):
i think Apples and Oranges are both over-hyped and underqualified.

there. it's been said. Blueberries are where it's at.
9.4.2008 2:22am
Suzy (mail):
You betcha! Blueberries are full of antioxidants and all sorts of other goodies! Blueberries all the way!
9.4.2008 2:27am
This is text-book discrimination against kumquats.
9.4.2008 2:32am
Cold Warrior:
If you had your way, you would have aborted those apples and oranges when they were mere buds. Or you'd pulverize the baby apples and oranges into juice. Liberals love baby juice.
9.4.2008 2:32am
js5 (mail):
i agree coldwarrior. life begins at germination.
9.4.2008 2:35am
roy (mail):
Kerr didn't even link to the article showing that Hitler really was an apple.
9.4.2008 2:35am
RED: Yes they are, in fact Hitler liked oranges!

Everyone knows Hitler hated the juice.
9.4.2008 2:38am
Sounds like a DB post. Nevermind the comments.
9.4.2008 2:39am
Wayne (mail):
Apples keep the doctor away and are therefore clearly ANTI-SCIENCE WINGNUTS. And anyone who likes apples must therefore [insert belittling comment about rural residents].
9.4.2008 2:39am
TLove (mail):
But what about those apples from Georgia?
9.4.2008 2:39am
This thread was a stillborn. Red forfeited, Godwin's law.
9.4.2008 2:41am
llamasex (mail) (www):
Apples, red on the outside white on the inside
9.4.2008 2:41am
Barbara WaWa: What kind of apple was he, and what kind would you be if you could be any kind you wanted to be?
9.4.2008 2:43am
Pyrrhus (mail) (www):
Totally. I would kill for a GRRM post.
9.4.2008 2:48am
RED: Yes they are, in fact Hitler liked oranges!

Everyone knows Hitler hated the juice.

PC wins the thread.
9.4.2008 2:50am
But what about those apples from Georgia?
I think these days you must specify which Georgia you are referring to, the birthplace of Stalin or that of Jimmy Carter.
9.4.2008 2:54am
PC wins the thread.

Yeah, that joke was hard to beet.
9.4.2008 2:55am
James Fulford (mail):
I'm afraid the phrase "corrupt fruits that hate America" is capable of a homophobic interpretation. Perhaps Andrew Sullivan will give you some kind of award.
9.4.2008 3:01am
David Warner:
Meanwhile, Weimar struggles on...
9.4.2008 3:15am
TJIT (mail):
I think this classic video sums things up pretty well, especially the part at about 2:20.

RvB special real life vs the internet
9.4.2008 3:19am
hey (mail):
Neurodoc - cause like there's a difference?

One is the birthplace of a mass murdering communist, and one is on the Black Sea?
9.4.2008 3:58am
EH (mail):
roy :
Kerr didn't even link to the article showing that Hitler really was an apple.

It's right there in his Wikipedia entry.
9.4.2008 4:12am
This is the best VC thread since the techno-legal discussions about overseas wire tapping!

I'd suggest that the consipiracy allow registered users to associate themselves with the fruit of their choice so as to make future discussions easier for readers to digest.
9.4.2008 6:43am
jccamp (mail):
Nothing from the nutmeg segment about Soviet-style repression in the streets of St Paul? Speaking of which, we need to rename the city Just Plain Paul and remove the influence of the evil right-wing fundamentalists...
9.4.2008 6:45am
Orin, now I really do owe you a beer. Two quibbles -- the Hitler reference would have come much earlier, and either Red or Blue would have posted six consecutive comments in less than 3 minutes.
9.4.2008 7:24am
LM (mail):
I don't know what this thread is about, but I object to it.
9.4.2008 7:53am
Loophole1998 (mail):
I think the cause of all excitement is the fact that on one side we've got the hyper-apple, a cartoon-like distillation of everything apple (Palin), and on the other side we've got her Orange counterpart (Obama).

McCain and Biden are merely afterthoughts now.
9.4.2008 8:05am
Jerome Cole (mail) (www):
Soylent Green is people!!!!!!!!!
9.4.2008 8:09am
corneille1640 (mail):
Apples and oranges really have a lot in common, if we could just unite on their (almost) roundness and the fact they have seeds, are fruit, and grow on trees, we'll find that all apples are like oranges, and oranges like apples. Vote Nader!
9.4.2008 8:12am
James B (mail):
This is the sixth post on apples and oranges by the Conspirators. You would think that a bunch of legal scholars would take the time and comment on the ongoing news and controversy about apricots. Why is it that you all refuse to comment on apricots?!
9.4.2008 8:22am
Orin--While the basic idea behind this post was clever, you left out a rather important point, to wit, THEY STARTED IT!!!!!!
9.4.2008 8:40am
Is this the place to insert one of the classic anti-jokes?

Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

A: Naziism.
9.4.2008 8:42am
Michael Poole (mail):
A decade or so ago, I was impressed by this concise template for typical online political arguments. Labels have been changed because, really, many labels fit well:

X: ""
Y: "WRONG, _______!" (vitriolic epithet optional)
9.4.2008 8:47am
Smallholder (mail) (www):
We have to be careful that apples and oranges don't marry because it would give them the right to have cloned descendants. Reproduction should only take place between an egg and a sperm, not cloned pollen!
9.4.2008 8:52am
This forum is chock full of antioxidantites.
9.4.2008 9:14am
BlackX (mail):
I've been wondering how much of it is the political season and how much is a new batch of commenters prairie dogging.
9.4.2008 9:14am
Glenn W. Bowen (mail):

I though only Roehm was a fruit . . .

-and also the model for the Porky Pig parade balloon.

Beyond that, by engaging in this Apple/Orange business, you

1)tacitly admit your ignorance as the entire situation is a non sequiter.

2) hand yourselves over to be manipulated for fear of appearing intellectually inferior.

They laugh at you... oh, how they laugh.
9.4.2008 9:18am
JosephSlater (mail):
I am shocked that Orin would post something like this on a so-called "libertarian" blog.
9.4.2008 9:41am
Raelly, Joseph. This is a legal blog.

And, as we have established before, a legal legal blog. At least for now.
9.4.2008 9:49am
(Although, truth be told, the quality of Act Only, Scene Only was so high, and the dialogue so absurd, I thought sure he'd clipped something from a Tom Stoppard play with which I was un familiar.

We don't git to much absurdist modernist drama 'round heeyer. 'Cept for that preformince of "Arcadia" waht was really good last year. An what got us all thinkin' a bit more 'bout the relashun ship twixt marterialist detrminism an human emoshuns.
9.4.2008 9:52am
And it goes without saying that the MSM is totally in the bag for oranges In fact, elitist reporters harbor a deep-seated hatred for apples, which means they hate apple pie, which means they hate America.
9.4.2008 9:54am
Hm. And noone is talking about pomegranates. Figures that only the "mainstream" fruit would get talked about. That's why this blog sucks and everyone here sucks and is Hitler and such.
9.4.2008 9:56am
Somedude127 (mail):
I support apples generally but believe the true base of the Apple party is the Red Delicious. All other apples have lost sight of the true meaning of Deliciousness!
9.4.2008 10:01am
Liberals love baby juice.
Hmm-m. If they get peanut oil from squeezing peanuts, and they get olive oil from squeezing olives... where do they get baby oil from?
9.4.2008 10:03am
bornyesterday (mail) (www):
If this were just about anywhere else, I would have expected Rule 34 to work its way in there along with Godwin's Law.
9.4.2008 10:05am
Also from the Huffington Post article:
"It's no rare thing for the right wing to use prominent women to keep the rest of us down. But just because Sarah Palin is a woman doesn't mean she's good for women. And female voters know that."

Behind Seltzer's anger, there is an important subtext: The left wing can no longer claim it speaks for all "female voters." Nor can it claim, in the words of Seltzer, that "our irrational she-hormones will lead us, like sheep, to pull the lever" for the left wing candidate.

For someone who expects women to march in lock step with a left wing agenda, it is good reason to be angry.
9.4.2008 10:20am
Sorry, wrong thread.
9.4.2008 10:24am
Somedude127 (mail):

BOOOOOOO!!! Hiss!!! I want to avoid all mentions of that issue for the next month, at least while doing enjoyable things like blogging.
9.4.2008 10:27am
Alan K. Henderson (mail) (www):
But he's a WINO - Winesap In Name Only!
9.4.2008 10:34am
pete (mail) (www):
I find this entirely innapproiate to even discuss. If you nave not actually eaten an apple you have no right to discuss what it means to like apples or any other issues relating to apples at all. All of you orange lovers just need to go away now and leave the talk about apples to the experts.
9.4.2008 10:38am
fortyninerdweet (mail):
Was going to report that even now planeloads of reporters are rumored to be descending on Kittitas Valley, Washington, to dig into the background and experience of apples but Petrus ruined the mood.
9.4.2008 10:48am
You're comparing apples and oranges.
9.4.2008 11:00am
Kudos to PC!
9.4.2008 11:02am
The Cabbage (mail):
VC Commenters can universally agree that the worst thing a person could be is either (1) a Nazi, (2) a child molester, or (3) Steve Garvey.

To date, only one man has been all three.
9.4.2008 11:22am
The Unbeliever:
Is anyone else annoyed the flood of fruit postings on the VC? I swear, it's become a virtual produce aisle.

I thought this was a libertarian blog!
9.4.2008 11:37am
Great, I was trying to put GRRM out of my mind, thanks for bringing THAT up.
9.4.2008 11:52am
The Unbeliever, there are many different types of libertarians: apple-libertarians, orange-libertarians, pear-libertarians, and even tomato-libertarians (but that last needs to be its own thread, because it gets pretty heated)
9.4.2008 12:00pm
I, for one, am waiting for this blog to publish a similar post to parody those who like plums.
9.4.2008 12:01pm
Dave N (mail):

But tomato libertarians need to fight, since the Supreme Court refused to grant the tomato its "fruit" status.
9.4.2008 12:25pm
Dave Hardy (mail) (www):
"VC Commenters can universally agree that the worst thing a person could be is either (1) a Nazi, (2) a child molester, or (3) Steve Garvey.

To date, only one man has been all three."

To which candidate are you referring?
9.4.2008 12:27pm
Dave Hardy (mail) (www):
[Vitriolic and profane post regarding apples deleted]
9.4.2008 12:29pm
Allen G:
Red, Blue: Exeunt, pursued by pear.
9.4.2008 12:46pm
Frerad (mail):
And really.. what is the problem with tomatoes. The overabundance of funding for apples and oranges show the true anti-tomato racism inherent in the system. Even with with The No Fruit Left Behind legislation passed by Congress, it is getting much harder for tomatoes to ketchup.
9.4.2008 12:55pm
And noone is talking about pomegranates

"Pomegate?" "Pomegranitgate?"

The Cabage:

Well, that rules out Steve Garvey, who was never actually Steve Garvey.

So now I'm puzzled about whom you mean. I'm thinking Tommy LaSaorda, Mercator, or Nehru. One of that type of guy.
9.4.2008 1:22pm
Mark Field (mail):
No one has yet mentioned the terrible sin of grafting. Apple lovers have yet to explain their sadistic torture of apple trees. And don't give me any utilitarian crap about the benefits to the rest of us. I know when something is malus in se.
9.4.2008 1:25pm
SKardner (mail):
While it is true that Hitler was a vegetarian, I thought I would take the time to inform you all that I am smarter than you by noting that neither apples nor oranges are vegetables.
9.4.2008 1:26pm
Mark Field--BIGOT!

Grafting is a beautiful thing, as long as there is love!
9.4.2008 1:38pm
Thales (mail) (www):
I hate nazi-commies, er, apple-oranges.

I think the VC is fast becoming a barely legal blog, thanks to the inane fructarian ramblings of the likes of closet liberals who hate America like Orin Kerr.
9.4.2008 1:54pm
one of many:
M.Field, where do you think seedless oranges come from? This is just the sort of hypocrisy we've come to expect from Orangemen.
9.4.2008 2:08pm
Mark Field (mail):

Grafting is a beautiful thing, as long as there is love!

This is why values voters can never trust an apple lover. It's unnatural. God intended apples to bear fruit one way and one way only. I support a Constitutional amendment to prevent unelected judges from imposing grafting on us.
9.4.2008 2:10pm
Mark Field (mail):

M.Field, where do you think seedless oranges come from? This is just the sort of hypocrisy we've come to expect from Orangemen.

The parent navel orange tree in Riverside, CA. It's so like apple lovers to distort small town values in relentless pursuit of their unAmerican agenda.
9.4.2008 2:13pm
Fred Phelps:
God hates grafting. It is because we allow grafting that God is punishing us with hurricanes, dead soldiers and Obama.
9.4.2008 2:20pm
one of many:
It's not even a real American orange tree, it's a Brazilian orange cutting that was grafted onto an American orange tree. Not only are these seedless Brazilian oranges taking the place of real American oranges in the marketplace, they are doing so by exploiting the hard work or real American orange trees. Grafting is fine if it's a Brazilian orange being grafted onto an American tree but let an American apple try to graft onto a willing American tree and you Orangemen are declaring it unnatural.
9.4.2008 2:22pm
Mark Field:

That's so small-minded. You need to read my Pulizter Prize-winning book, It Takes an Orchard to Raise a Crop.
9.4.2008 2:23pm
Seedless oranges violate the laws of nature. Orchards were established for the purpose of procreation.What could be more barren than a grove of seedless oranges?

It have nothing against any type of seed-pod. But let's not let these oranges call themselves 'orchards.' It devalues the term.
9.4.2008 2:25pm
one of many:
Please M. Phelps, is it really necessary to go into the whole Garden of Eden thing again? I know that Christians consider the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge to be an apple but, as has been pointed out repeatedly on other threads, there is no textural support for the idea.
9.4.2008 2:28pm
one of many

It was a banana.
9.4.2008 2:33pm
one of many:
Oh no, not the banana and how homosexuality was introduced to mankind causing the fall from grace due to Adam's acceptance of the banana from Eve. Haven't we covered this often enough elsewhere, there is no reason to presume on fruit over any other from the original text? Yes, it may very well be that Eve induced Adam try homosexuality with the banana and that homosexuality is the true nature of the Fall, but there just isn't enough evidence to accept this as other than one possible interpretation of the text.
9.4.2008 2:40pm
one of many:
Additionally I still favor the theory that it was a fig, and that the nature of the fall was Eve's inducing Adam to perform oral sex on her, BUT that is just the one theory I favor and I do not consider it to be the truth, just my preference.
9.4.2008 2:43pm
Chimaxx (mail):
Heirloom apples are just elitist and arrogant.

Even if you never tasted one, you know this fruit. It's the apple at Whole Foods paired with a pomegranate-caramel dipping sauce, sporting a pert stem and perfectly dappled skin that leans artfully against the "Organic" sign and makes tart comments about the other produce.
9.4.2008 2:54pm
I've always favored the starfruit theory for the Garden of Eden.
9.4.2008 3:19pm
I cannot believe you mustard up the chutzpah to make a ketchup pun. Though I do have to say it wasn't corny.

And the Right is only against embryonic grafting, not adult grafting.
9.4.2008 3:19pm
one of many:
I've always favored the starfruit theory for the Garden of Eden.

Indeed there is a lot to be said for the starfruit theory and that the Fall was caused (as Browning would have it) by man's reach exceeding his grasp, making the Fall a noble thing. But aren't we hijacking this thread into another theological conversation when it was originally a political conversation?
9.4.2008 4:22pm
SKardner (mail):
And the Right is only against embryonic grafting, not adult grafting.

I wanted to reiterate that I am smarter than everyone else on this thread as well as note that the above commenter is a paid shill for Monsanto.
9.4.2008 4:31pm
SKardner (mail):
Also, I am smarter than myself.
9.4.2008 4:32pm
Chimaxx (mail):
But aren't we hijacking this thread into another theological conversation when it was originally a political conversation?

Not at all, since the Founding Fathers were all fruits, the two are inextricable.
9.4.2008 4:42pm
Damn you heretics! The banana is an HERB!
9.4.2008 4:45pm
the nature of the fall was Eve's inducing Adam to perform oral sex on her

Shall I part my hair behind?
Do I dare to eat a [fig]?
I shall wear white flannel trousers
and [dance a happy jig].


No. Oral sex on a female is a peach.
9.4.2008 4:48pm
OK. I was just visited by the shade of a certain Anglo-American poet, who shall remain nameless. And, boy, is he pissed.

I retract my last post. And my next one.
9.4.2008 5:03pm
Mark Field (mail):

It was a banana.

I deny that you can find that anywhere in that book. I demand that you give me the exact page number, or your credibility -- such as it is -- will be entirely destroyed.
9.4.2008 5:11pm
one of many:
No. Oral sex on a female is a peach.

You may be correct, however that is not exclusive.

Surely you recall the famous Greek dramatist who's name escape's me who famously decried the use of the fig as a euphemism for the female genitalia on stage, when he declared that actors should "call a fig a fig, and a spade a spade" (apparently he was very well endowed most Greek actors of the period referred to the male genitalia as a trowel), most interestingly using the very same euphemisms to decry the use of euphemisms.
9.4.2008 5:38pm
LM (mail):

The banana is an HERB!

The original public meaning of "BANANA" was "PEACHES."

Which makes PEACHES an HERB.
9.4.2008 5:44pm
But the peach is an ALMOND!


And I have nothing Endtimey to wear.
9.4.2008 6:01pm
one of many--

I've seen all those nekkid Greek athletes on black-figure ware. And "spade" might be overly generous. As would be "trowel," frankly.
9.4.2008 6:04pm
lucia (mail) (www):
Maybe the correct term is "ontologically challenged trowel"?
9.4.2008 6:13pm
LM (mail):

Maybe the correct term is "ontologically challenged trowel"?

Just no ontologically challenged trollops, OK? This is a classy blog.
9.4.2008 6:34pm
SKardner (mail):
Just no ontologically challenged trollops, OK? This is a classy blog.

As a strumpet, I take offense to this. Delusion is how I get through the day.
9.4.2008 6:36pm
one of many:
I'm generous and think it might be shrinkage, after all they were heathen Greeks who wore no breeks. Euphemisms aren't all accurate, a goodly number of modern trouser snakes would be better described as trouser worms if we were to insist on accuracy, and they don't have the shrinkage excuse problem the Greeks do.
9.4.2008 6:46pm
one of many:
As an aside, since I refuse to enlighten the joke thread with insightful commentary, was the constant use of "vet" to refer to Palin a subtle way to refer to her as a "rhymes with witch" given the origin of that term? McCain failed to properly "vet" (have a veterinarian examine) her indicating that she was an animal? Hmmm, a new conspiracy/liberal media bias claim.
9.4.2008 6:54pm
lucia (mail) (www):
I'm sure all the trollops commenting here are 100% incarnate.
9.4.2008 8:14pm
Mark Field (mail):

I'm sure all the trollops commenting here are 100% incarnate.

I've personally had my Incarnation.
9.4.2008 9:10pm
joshers (mail):
Although apples can, in fact, be compared to oranges, it is ultimately an unfruitful excercise.
9.5.2008 2:39am
LM (mail):
When coolness comes back into fashion and the nerd purges begin, we'll all have to answer for this comment thread.
9.5.2008 5:28pm
jccamp (mail):
That's why I used a nom d' plum instead of my real name.
9.5.2008 7:23pm
xander crews (mail):
There are a bunch of apples lurking around in the parking lot, and I think one of them stole my neighbors bike.
9.9.2008 2:59pm