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Race for Presidency of Red Sox Nation Heats Up:

A variety of celebrity candidates have thrown their hats into the ring in the race to become the first President of Red Sox Nation. I was thinking of endorsing the candidacy of one of my favorite ESPN columnists, Bill "the Sports Guy" Simmons. However, I fear that the Sports Guy's candidacy has been irreparably damaged by some negative campaigning by acting president Jerry Remy, the Red Sox announcer. In the unfortunate event that Simmons drops out of the first tier of candidates, I will be forming an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of running myself. We are happy to take your campaign donations!

Here are some of my qualifications for the job:

1. Like current Red Sox GM Theo Epstein and his guru Bill James, I am a big advocate of Moneyball strategies for assessing players, not to mention legal academics.

2. I have defended the free speech rights of Dice-K Matsuzaka.

3. I have helped expose a nefarious scheme by Red Sox Nation's Public Enemy No. 1.

4. I have brought new attention to several major underappreciated Yankees' playoff disasters.

5. I have worshipped at the shrine of The Big Papi.

6. My election will increase the appeal of the Red Sox in the growing Russian Jewish immigrant demographic, not to mention the libertarian, atheist, legal, and nerd sectors. No other candidate can appeal to all these groups at once, I'm willing to bet.

7. Red Sox Nation needs a president who will strike fear into the hearts of the Emperor Steinbrenner and his minions. And, as my mother once put it, "people are afraid of lawyers."

8. I have incorporated the Red Sox (and their rivalry with the Yankees) into a rational choice theory of political behavior. Here again, I'm betting that no other candidate has done anything comparable.

Paul Johnson (mail):
Those are impressive qualifications, but:

- if you did not pass out from despair when Bucky Dent hit his home run in the 1978 playoff game;

- if you did not suffer chest pains when the ball went through Bill Buckner's legs;

- if you have never, in June of any year, asked, "What's wrong with the Red Sox?";

- if you cannot name the Red Sox starting lineup for the 1962 opening game;

- if you have never chastised another Red Sox National for predicting a World Series championship before the season started;

then you are not qualified for the job. How do you plead?
7.21.2007 12:26am
JRL:
My vote is for Wally.
7.21.2007 1:49am
GMUSL 3L (mail):
Pshaw. You think that Steinbrenner (and Prince Hal) are afraid of a Herstie? You scare us as much as your fellow alum Dumb Dan Duquette did (unlike his much smarter cousin Jim).

What do AmHerst and feces have in common? ;)
7.21.2007 2:24am
RL (mail):
This must be a trick question:

- if you have never, in June of any year, asked, "What's wrong with the Red Sox?";

Every citizen of RS Nation knows the Red Sox don't collapse until after the All Star game in July.

Anyway, I nominate Jack McCarthy, who wrote this ode to Billy Buckner
7.21.2007 9:21am
Ugh:
Is there no place one can go without being forced to hear about how great and loyal Red Sox fans are? On the list of "easiest teams to be a fan of" over the last decade, the BoSox (along with their hometown compatriot Patriots, the Yankees, the Lakers, and the Spurs) are easily in the top five (countless playoff appearances, a world title, endless attention, scores of books written, etc. etc. etc.). Boston fans are more presumptuous than any other fan base in thinking that the rest of the world is always interested in hearing about their loyalty and its history. We're not interested.
7.21.2007 5:28pm
John Burgess (mail) (www):
Ugh: Then why bother us Boston fans with your so-called lack of interest? Sounds like you're interested just fine.
7.21.2007 5:50pm
Shelby (mail):
Ilya: Will you promise to declare and wage aggressive war against that Public Enemy? 'Cause if so you have my moral support, for the entertainment value. Though I expect the Yanks would whup the Sox' sorry butts.
7.21.2007 6:18pm
Ugh:
John Burgess: Wasting time reading the post and submitting a comment in response are two different things. Ask Judge Jacobs on the Second Circuit.
7.22.2007 10:29pm