A variety of celebrity candidates have thrown their hats into the ring in the race to become the first President of Red Sox Nation. I was thinking of endorsing the candidacy of one of my favorite ESPN columnists, Bill "the Sports Guy" Simmons. However, I fear that the Sports Guy's candidacy has been irreparably damaged by some negative campaigning by acting president Jerry Remy, the Red Sox announcer. In the unfortunate event that Simmons drops out of the first tier of candidates, I will be forming an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of running myself. We are happy to take your campaign donations!
Here are some of my qualifications for the job:
3. I have helped expose a nefarious scheme by Red Sox Nation's Public Enemy No. 1.
5. I have worshipped at the shrine of The Big Papi.
6. My election will increase the appeal of the Red Sox in the growing Russian Jewish immigrant demographic, not to mention the libertarian, atheist, legal, and nerd sectors. No other candidate can appeal to all these groups at once, I'm willing to bet.
7. Red Sox Nation needs a president who will strike fear into the hearts of the Emperor Steinbrenner and his minions. And, as my mother once put it, "people are afraid of lawyers."
8. I have incorporated the Red Sox (and their rivalry with the Yankees) into a rational choice theory of political behavior. Here again, I'm betting that no other candidate has done anything comparable.