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Runners-Up For the Time Magazine "Person of the Year":
As you may have heard, Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" has been named, and the person is "You." The magazine cover has a picture of a PC with the word "You" in the center, with text at the bottom that says, "Yes, you. You control the Information Age. Welcome to your world."

  The Volokh Conspiracy has obtained a secret list of the five runners-up for the Person of the Year, together with the text for the proposed cover page, and we are now able to leak that list to you. Here it is:
1. Your Parents. Text: "Yes, your parents. You wouldn't exist without them. 'Nuff said."

2. Santa Claus. Text: "He's coming to town soon. Get ready!"

3. Your best friend. Text: "Simply the best, this year and every year."

4. The Mailman. Text: "He delivered Time Magazine in all sorts of crazy weather. Our hero."

5. "That Guy You Met Last Week At That Meeting -- What's His Name? Gary? Barry? Crap, I Forget." Text: "Here's to all the regular people who made 2006 the year it was."
Feel free to offer your own suggestions in the comment thread.
Syd Henderson (mail):
"Hey, look Lou, Time named You Person of the Year."
"No they didn't, Bud, they named You Person of the Year."
"No they named You."
"No, I'm Me, they named You! See it says right there!"
[Heckler.] "No, you idiots, they named both of You?"
[Bud and Lou] "No, they didn't name Us, they named You."
[Heckler.] "Who, Me? I'm not even part of the routine."
[Bud] "No, not you, You!" Whoever You is?"
[Lou] "I'm Lou, who are You?"
[Bud] "No, not Who. Who's on First."
12.17.2006 3:51pm
Waldensian (mail):
How about just "Your Momma"?
12.17.2006 3:55pm
Mike BUSL07 (mail) (www):
6. Baby Pandas. Text: "That's right. Aren't they just the cutest little critters?"
12.17.2006 3:57pm
Harvey Mosley (mail):
If nothing else, we can use this to pad our resumes. Who wouldn't hire Time's Person of the Year?
12.17.2006 3:59pm
dirk gibson:
Mubarack Osama. Text: Yo nex presy-denss.
12.17.2006 4:00pm
SlimAndSlam:
Flattery will get 'em nowhere. I'm still not buying their magazine.
12.17.2006 4:16pm
Federal Dog:
Joe Wilson. Text: He finally shut up.
12.17.2006 4:17pm
FantasiaWHT:
Are we sure this isn't an Onion article?
12.17.2006 4:25pm
JonC:
7. That Guy at the Gym. Text: "Geez, can he bench press a lot, or what? Mad props!"

8. Everyone Else But You. Text: "Sorry, but your performance this year has been kind of lackluster, relatively speaking. Try to pick things up in '07, alright?"
12.17.2006 4:45pm
Beerslurpy (mail) (www):
I sense bitterness over Time's attempt to bullshit their way through the question.

I nominate the guy who bought my house last month after 5 months of sitting on the market. You really saved my ass and helped pay my way through law school.
12.17.2006 5:05pm
Selection Committee (mail):
God: The Big Man. The Head Cheese. Numero Uno Honcho. It ought to be Him every year, but good thing He's humble, innit?

Jack Bauer: He's not real, but man we wish he were.

Paris Hilton: Maybe now she might date one of us. Me first! No, me!
12.17.2006 5:09pm
whiskey:
*groan* Don't quit your day job, Prof. Kerr.

[OK Comments: Sorry, whiskey. My best writers don't work on weekends.]
12.17.2006 5:29pm
fishbane (mail):
Your cat. If it weren't for your cat and cheap digital cameras, 2/3rds of the blogosphere wouldn't exist, and then how would you waste time?
12.17.2006 5:30pm
Swede:
As the Person of the Year, I have to ask: who still reads TIME Magazine?
12.17.2006 5:31pm
Anderson (mail) (www):
So, can we all put this on our resumes?

I guess this also makes every previous winner a two-time winner, at least if they're still alive to be addressed. (Hitler, for ex, doesn't qualify.)
12.17.2006 5:34pm
Maniakes (mail):
Mark Foley.
12.17.2006 5:49pm
Christopher M (mail):
JonC's #8 cracked me up.
12.17.2006 5:54pm
Christopher M (mail):
P.S.: Mainly because it's true.
12.17.2006 5:54pm
ERI:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12.17.2006 5:55pm
bornyesterday (mail) (www):
Kofi Annan: Doing nothing better than anyone else ever has!
12.17.2006 5:59pm
Glenn W. Bowen (mail):
this guy

http://www.youtube.com/v/TZZgm3dgPUQ

a veritable cascade of R-rated language...
12.17.2006 6:08pm
ERI:
Wasn't it the "American Soldier" last year?
12.17.2006 6:35pm
Syd Henderson (mail):
Last year it was Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates.
12.17.2006 7:01pm
Jarhead315 (mail):
This won't win me any friends, but I agree with Time. It's quite simply stunning how revolutionary the internet information age is. Has the irony of making fun of Time's choice by commenting on an internet message board been lost on the rest of you? For those of us who live far from centers of learning, a site like the VC is an amazing place. Hell, I could read nothing but the comments and learn more in an hour than I could anywhere else. There are a LOT of smart, informed people out there, many of them on this site.
12.17.2006 7:07pm
Waldensian (mail):

Has the irony of making fun of Time's choice by commenting on an internet message board been lost on the rest of you?

Until you pointed it out.... yes!

And I thought I knew a lot about irony, or at least more than Alanis Morisette.
12.17.2006 7:32pm
rbj:
Does this include Michael Richards? And Osama bin Laden (not that they're equal, but if your fame comes from doing something bad, then why should you be included with the rest of us?)

9 Everyone but the Time "Person of the Year" committee Because, quite frankly, we were kind of lame this year.
12.17.2006 7:37pm
PersonFromPorlock:

Has the irony of making fun of Time's choice by commenting on an internet message board been lost on the rest of you?

Not so much. They may be talking about the internet information age but the "You" they're addressing is their readership, who aren't necessarily denizens of the internet. I suspect most of us found out about it on line, not at our newstands.
12.17.2006 7:42pm
Speaking the Obvious:
Has the irony of making fun of Time's choice by commenting on an internet message board been lost on the rest of you?

Not so much. They may be talking about the internet information age but the "You" they're addressing is their readership, who aren't necessarily denizens of the internet. I suspect most of us found out about it on line, not at our newstands.
---
Wow! Time magazine thinks of everything. Go to www.time.com and they've put up a big mirror on the home page. No, really...
12.17.2006 8:22pm
ifoughtthelaw (mail) (www):
An Inanimate Carbon Rod!
12.17.2006 9:08pm
Ship Erect (mail) (www):
This year, every year, belongs to Morrissey, but I'll gladly accept the honor, thank you.

By the way, I've seen a number of people (including Speaking the Obvious) think that Time is addressing "their readership." Why? You don't need to read it to know who the blank-of-the-year is, since it's right on the cover. The magazine's not even out yet.
12.17.2006 9:18pm
Ship Erect (mail) (www):
Whoops--actually Person from Porlock, not StO.
12.17.2006 9:21pm
BGates (mail) (www):
Fantasia, I remember several years ago when the Onion named The Man as Man of the Year:

This year, no man has distinguished himself by relentlessly dominating society, controlling the global marketplace, and keeping the little guy down quite like the man we honor here today, and that man is The Man.
12.17.2006 10:14pm
Perseus (mail):
"Yes, you. You control the Information Age. Welcome to your world."

The grand achievement of the present age is the diffusion of superficial knowledge.-- J.S. Mill
12.17.2006 10:15pm
DRJ (mail):
If PCs and the Information Age have made us all Persons of the Year, what does that make Bill Gates and Al Gore? My guess is PC God and Internet Godfather.
12.17.2006 10:30pm
PersonFromPorlock:
Ship Erect:

Whoops--actually Person from Porlock, not StO.

Hey, don't knock it. In a world of subtle insights, 'speaking the obvious' guarantees you're outside the box. ;^)
12.17.2006 10:37pm
Tony D'Amato (www):
As soon as I heard it was me, I rushed out and bought a copy. The price has gone way up since I last bought Time Magazine 27 years ago. Nevertheless, the incredible honor was worth it. I feel good. Even if the editors of Time did this purposefully so that I would feel good and go out and buy a copy of their magazine, I still feel good. Imagine, Person of the Year! I never really thought of myself as a person before.
12.17.2006 10:51pm
Ilya Somin:
I'm still living down the disgrace of winning the same award as Hitler and Stalin....
12.17.2006 11:16pm
Syd (mail):
Ilya Somin:
I'm still living down the disgrace of winning the same award as Hitler and Stalin....


Don't feel bad. You're also in the same category as Pierre Laval and the Ayatollah Khomeini...

But you're not supposed to necessarily like the Person of the Year; he's supposed to be the person who changed the world for the worst or better.

CNN mentioned YouTube as a candidate for the ... thing?... of the year, and I thought that had a lot of merit, and I think that's what they were trying to do. The...thing... of the year was public video. The way they did it was pretty lame, but how would you express it?
12.17.2006 11:36pm
Erick:
As soon as I heard it was me, I rushed out and bought a copy. The price has gone way up since I last bought Time Magazine 27 years ago. Nevertheless, the incredible honor was worth it. I feel good. Even if the editors of Time did this purposefully so that I would feel good and go out and buy a copy of their magazine, I still feel good. Imagine, Person of the Year! I never really thought of myself as a person before.

Hmmmmm. Has anyone checked to see if Time got a new editor recently? Possibly one who used to work for one of those "Who's who in American [insert group here]" books? Or maybe from one of those "poetry" books where they'll print your words for free as long as you pay $40 for the book?
12.18.2006 12:01am
Mike BUSL07 (mail) (www):
Next years TIME's POTY will be chosen by readers independently, in a "choose your own adventure" kind of deal. "Flip to p. 45 if you think the trend-setting English footballer should punch the coiffed Asian dictator."
12.18.2006 12:37am
Tom952 (mail):
Why not Jimmy Carter? It makes no less sense than giving him a Nobel, and it will probably make him feel good.
12.18.2006 9:38am
Houston Lawyer:
It should be me. I can put the award next to that Who's Who award I got in high school. I've moved enough now that they can no longer find me to ask me to buy their crap showing how special I am.

I received my AV rating from Martindale Hubble recently. I didn't know that they were in the Who's Who business until then.

At the doctor's office, I prefer People Magazine to Time.
12.18.2006 10:05am
Stopping By:
10. Your local janitor. Because this world would be an unbearable place without him... if he didn't clean up your s*@%, who would?
12.18.2006 10:53am
Anderson (mail) (www):
Pierre Laval

I did NOT know that. WTF?
12.18.2006 11:01am
Hoosier:
Mel Gibson--

No longer can we speak of antisemitism as "rearing its ugly head." Because it has a sexy head now.

Dave Chappelle--

Because the first season is now out on DVD.

Martin Amis--

Because his dad was Kingsley Amis.

Fidel Castro--

Because I've had so many happy days this year thinking he was gonna DIE.
12.18.2006 11:35am
PersonFromPorlock:
Incidentally, Time's choice honors everyone except police officers. Why? Because it's a cop-out,
12.18.2006 12:19pm
Justin Levine:
Gee, after such obviously correct and compelling choices such as "Bono" and "The Whistleblowers" in recent years, I'm surprised that Time Magaizine managed to stumble in their choice this year. After all, they've had such a great track record...
12.18.2006 2:21pm
R:
I figured #2 would be "the horse you rode in on."
12.18.2006 3:40pm
A Northwestern Law Student:
Pierre Laval

After some checking it turns out that's Pierre Laval, the Vichy prime minister of France, not Pierre N. Leval, judge of the Second Circuit. I was a bit surprised too; less surprised now.
12.18.2006 7:56pm
Stormy Dragon (mail) (www):
Me. Text: "Yes, me. We both know I'm a way better person than you are. Isn't it time you finally admitted it?"
12.18.2006 10:32pm
Doc (in China) (mail):
The cover is stolen from the Big Lebowski.
12.19.2006 12:55am