“Supreme Court’s New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases”

The Onion has a story that begins:

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases.

Early in its 2011–2012 term, the nation’s highest court reportedly began to voice dissatisfaction with longtime agent Jeffrey Muslin, who many justices felt had lost sight of their jurisprudential interests, in particular failing to get them access to “cream of the crop” immigration, health care, intellectual property, and search-and-seizure cases.

“The truth is, we never would have gotten a case like National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius with Jeff,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, referring to the recent landmark decision upholding the individual mandate of the Affordable Care Act. “But Rory was all over it. He burned through his Rolodex, called in every favor he had, and made the deal happen.”

“He just—he gets it, you know?” Roberts continued. “Rory’s always got his ear to the ground for any circuit court cases that might play to our strengths as a group. He understands what we’re about, and he’s very hands-on and curious about what we’re trying to do. He came into the room and just asked us flat out, ‘Where do you want to go as a court? What kind of cases do you want? Gun control? You got it. Abortion? Let’s do it.’ It was so refreshing after all those years where it felt like we were just treading water.”

Don’t miss the picture that goes along with the story. Hat tip: How Appealing.