Birds and the Bees

Fox 411 reports:

Everything Britney Spears wanted to know about sex, she learned from her mom.

And at a very young age.

“I was 12 years old,” Spears tells OUT magazine about when she asked about the birds and the bees. “I was confused and disgusted.”

Well, duh. Who wouldn’t be disgusted by the birds and the bees? Here’s what the conversation probably sounded like:

“Now, daughter, think of yourself as a bee. There’s a 99.99% chance that you’ll never get any, and instead of developing an extensive reproductive system, you’ll get to have a stinger and a venom pouch. But there’s a tiny chance that you’ll be a queen bee, which means you’ll be really huge, and all these male bees will have sex with you.

“Now if you are the queen, and all the boys have sex with you, their penises will fall off and stay in your body. Then they’ll die. Oh, and before one of them has sex with you, he’ll have to make sure he take the other guy’s penis out of you first.

“No wait, daughter, actually, think of yourself as a bird. That means you’ve got a single cloaca, through which your urine, feces, and eggs go out, and the male’s semen comes in. Just remember that, and you’ll be OK.”

(Joke shamelessly recycled, but at least it’s my own! Oh, and how is 12 a “very young age” to learn about sex [by hearing rather than by doing]?)